Some Simple Guidelines On Getting Straight & How To Do It

by Cesare Syjuco

Published in: Jingle Chordbook • Magazine, 1972

OUR heartiest congratulations to you, ex-freak! May a hundred thousand canaries sing your praises to Allah, Lord and Protector of the Mighty, and may your orchards be blessed that you may reap a hundredfold of what you sow! You, o long-haired, red-eyed, hollow-cheeked mortal, have taken a brave and noble stand by venturing further along the breadth and depth of this page. Read on! May your eyes be brightened to sparkling radiance by Visine, and may your hollowed cheeks be stuffed with grub. Your having decided to examine the contents of this little exposition has placed you well above the category of mortal man—an act highly indicative of your sublime courage in keeping an open ear and a receptive mind. You are, without doubt, a true example of man’s innate goodness and nobility, fearlessness and fortitude. But let’s cut out all this bullshit and get on with it.

By now, you are probably crouched in some dark corner of your room, your door locked, your windows bolted, your curtains drawn, mustering up enough guts to keep from flipping to the next article. BUT DON’T YOU DARE DO THAT!—or you just might forfeit all the little niceties that we had said about you earlier. Just sit down, relax, and try to smile. There. Now isn’t that a lot better? Try to remember that your fate is in good hands, and that everything is quite in order, with the exception of you.

Getting straight is among the finer things in life, a colorful adventure in full harmony with the wonders of man’s existence. (What was that again?) The process of self-induced rehabilitation affords you an excellent opportunity to unleash your wildest masochistic desires upon yourself. It’s wonderful to writhe in agony, your body jerking to a million back-breaking spasms, your teeth hissing with pain and its ecstatic delights, your mouth frothing from the sheer delight of suffering. Ah, how we envy you! Some people have all the luck.

Okay, let’s get started. The first thing to do is to make up your goddam mind. Once you’ve done that, the rest comes easy. Try not to ask yourself why. If you must go on and ask yourself anything at all, ask yourself why not. That ought to confuse you in a hurry.

The next thing to do is to get rid of everything you’ve got. (That’s right. EVERYTHING!) We don’t really care what you do. Flush ’em in the john, tack ’em on the bulletin board, slip a mickey on your neighbor’s cat, give ’em away. It doesn’t really matter the way you do it, just get rid of ’em.

This way, you don't get the sudden urge to drop or smoke one for old time's sake or to celebrate Chinese New Year.

Having done this, you may now proceed to worrying about the next course of action. Don't freak out. Just relax and think about how much money you just threw or gave away. If you happen to be a tight-wad in the Silas Marner tradition, though, think of something else like the Lone Ranger or Daffy Duck. Getting straight isn't at all that bad. Think of how happy you've just made Father Bob and his clique. That should put a smile on your face. (Heaven knows why, though.) If anxiety gets the best of you, bend over and chew your toenails. That usually works wonders if you don't break your back in the attempt.

For SPEED FREAKS, things should get a little low in a few hours. Not to worry, the best thing to do is to get a little shut-eye and avoid dreaming of multi-colored capsules and black widows. When prolonged crashing isn't at all to your greatest convenience, take a dose of salted water. (Don't laugh, you stupid oaf; it really works!) It's all very simple. Warm yourself a glass of plain, undistilled, Balara tap, and douse it with a lot of iodized salt. You can score some in any supermarket, and three or more tablespoons in water oughta set you right. Now mix thoroughly and drink it all up. The taste isn't exactly fabulous, but it does work wonders. If you don't believe this, either try it yourself or ask your family psychiatrist. (Every decent family should have a psychiatrist.) For extremely bad cases, where depression and heavy sluggishness sets in, a vitamin "growth" pill called "ONE-SIX-TWELVE" always works for me. If you don't mind growing an inch or two, you might try this. They go for a few cents at your local friendly botica, and no prescriptions are necessary. About four or five of these harmless little tabs should perk you up in a jiffy. That's not too bad when you think of the benefits. Should depression persist however, see a funny movie, a cartoon festival or a skin flick.

DOPE is probably the easiest thing to shake off, but the hardest thing to stay away from. Straightening up on grass usually comes easy enough, but keeping straight doesn't usually last for more than a few days. Try it for size. Tell yourself you're going straight and be firm in your conviction. Damn if it isn't a day or two before some close friend hands you a joint and gets you all WHAMOED again! Again, the important thing to remember here, is to make up your mind. Do you really wanna kick the "habit", or don't you? Ask yourself that, and fool yourself if you have to. If you're dying for a substitute, try some rigid exercise. Do a thousand push-ups or balance yourself on your nose. It's fun. It should provide you with enough fatigue to give you that really way-out feeling. If that doesn't work, try booze. This will probably screw you up a helluva lot more than dope, but at least you can keep your parents and Eugene Lopez's foundation happy.

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By Cesare Syjuco

Believe it or not, about the best relief from DOWNER blues is also strenuous exercise. Try skipping rope or reading a copy of JINGLE backwards. If hallucinations set in (as they sometimes do), think of the brighter side of things. There's hardly any acid going around anymore, and this trip is all for free. Dig it. If you were pretty heavy on downers, though, it might be a good idea to ask your doctor about withdrawals. You could die in the process, you know. (and we mean this quite literally.)

SCAG SMOKERS will find poetry an interesting substitute. It screws you up just as badly. Or else, try hot-boxing your cigarette. Smoke the whole length of a Philip Morris 100 from start to finish in 45 seconds. Believe it or not, this gives the same effect. You shouldn't have any problems in getting out of this one, unless of course if you've been smoking 30 decks a day.

If you've been shooting scag, though, it's always best to consult a certified physician. Sometimes, getting out of this one can be more than a hassle.

Try to remember that it's all in the mind. And it is. Three billion little brain cells worth.

-c.a.l.s.

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Some Simple Guidelines On Getting Straight & How To Do It

Some Simple Guidelines On Getting Straight & How To Do It

BOB DYLAN Part II

ART LAB: The Syjuco Museum